Nothing Left [Tigerfrost]

[|{/Bloodrose\}|]

Claws dragged violently across an unforgiving stone floor as muscles clenched. Everything about the sleeping figure was tense, mouth open in a soundless scream where air barely made it out of her lungs. Her heart seized in her chest as panic gripped her. Through the haze of a restless sleep, the she-cat begged herself to snap out of it, pleaded to be let out of the hell she was reliving. So much blood... It seeped between her claws, staining her white paws red. The scent was overwhelming, nauseating. But it was the guilt. The guilt was heavy on her shoulders, crushing her like a boulder, waiting until she surrendered that final breath. When her eyes finally snapped open, the tears broke loose, wetting the fur on her cheeks as the gray she-cat crawled out of the remnants of her nest. Her tail dragged through the remains scattered around her, shoulders barely supporting her weight. Her haunches collapsed more than once as she moved, unable to pull air into a body that needed it so desperately. And then her throat opened just enough to allow her to suck in a heavy stream of air. It stung as it tore into her air-deprived lungs, making a rasping sound as she broke out into heavy gasps. Ragged breathing dominated the den as she lost her balance and collided into the thick rock wall of her den. The impact stung, pain radiating through her side. Sliding against the harsh stone, she fell to the den floor again in a heap of gray and white fur. Her body trembled uncontrollably as she sobbed in the early morning hours. Her den was far enough and enclosed enough that none of her choked sounds would be heard, unless someone purposely approached her den. Amid the heaving of her haunches, her pale green eyes rolled, struggling to stay open, straining to see the real world again, to see past the remainder of her nightmare. And then, thank the River, clarity began to seep in. The forest around her, the ground soaked with blood was soon replaced with barren gray stone. Familiar stone. As her silvering muzzle closed to swallow, she began to feel the terror leave her body, seeping away with the warmth her nest had held. The early morning cold began to settle in to the she-cat's bones, but she didn't care. She just lay on the icy ground. She wasn't quite sure how long she spent lying there. Pale green eyes struggled to focus as she pulled herself to her paws. Leaning on the wall like a crutch, she could still feel her heart racing in her chest. Something was pulling her forward, filling her with an urgency that she could not place, could not understand. For a moment, the RiverClan leader was not herself. Shoving out of her den on unsteady, sore paws, she quickly closed the distance between her den and the warrior's den. Tigerfrost was in there. She knew it. In her exhausted, sleep-groggy state, she couldn't help but remember just how close they had been in their younger years. He'd always been there for her when she'd needed him. And she needed him. She was heartbeats away from bursting through the entrance when the shutters came crashing down and she remembered everything. Her haunches dropped to the ground to stop her more quickly, her breath coming out in wisps of steam. She stayed there, seated in front of the warrior's den, staring into the darkness blankly. She should just pad away. Pretend as though nothing had ever happened. And yet... The tightness in her chest wouldn't let up. Slowly rising to her paws, she called out into the darkness. She knew that Tigerfrost's nest was right near the front of the den, just as her's had been when she'd been RiverClan's deputy. Her voice was softer than it usually was, and she cursed the way it rasped. Her screams may have been silent, but they weren't any less painful than ones that made sound. Her throat was dry and raw from the countless sleepless nights. "Tigerfrost. I am going to Sunningrocks. Meet me there after the morning patrols have been sent out." Backing away from the den, she turned and directly left the camp. Her stomach was roiling, pushing any thought of food far from her mind. She needed to get out of here, give herself some space to pull herself together. The Clan was starting to wake and she couldn't allow them to see her like this. The morning light stung her eyes, which were slightly red where they should have been white, if you paid close enough attention. The silver fur that tinged her gray muzzle made her appear closer to 50 moons than her mere 30 moons. And her exhaustion made her feel like an elder. She didn't stop until her paws splayed out on the stones that made up Sunningrocks. Staring down at the hard ground in question, she slowly allowed herself to sink into a seated position. Her head hung low between her shoulder blades. She constantly put up an air of strength, an impenetrable façade when she faced her Clan. She was RiverClan's leader, unmoving, unrelenting and proud as the River. But it became harder and harder to put up that image. In that moment, she looked vulnerable, lost, and completely broken. Feeling so... Unworthy was probably the hardest part of it all. She wasn't sure how long she remained lost in her own thoughts, self-loathing and panic roiling in a never ending circle deep within her belly. She did notice the approaching paw steps and took this as her cue to quickly give her chest fur a few licks, to straighten her body, and to glance over her shoulder at the approaching figure. Waiting for whom she assumed was Tigerfrost, her tail tip twitched and her voice, which was a little less raspy than it had been earlier, rang out in the quiet morning air. "Tigerfrost. Thank you for joining me. I assume there were no problems with patrols this morning?" She hoped she'd managed to lock down her emotions, to bar them from view. She hoped he didn't realize just how fragile she was, just how exhausted she was. Pale eyes had a stern tint to them and remained narrowed. Doing so made her appear harsher, colder. But it meant there was less of her eyes to see, less chance of someone noticing how her exhaustion reflected in them if you caught them at just the right angle. I've been believing in something so distant, As if I was human. And I've been denying this feeling Of hopelessness in me, in me. All the promises I made, just to let you down. You believed in me but I'm Broken. I have nothing left. And all I feel is this cruel wanting. We've been falling for all this time. And now, I'm Lost in Paradise.